madness within

at times i feel that i have an extraordinary ability to read people. to a point where it's hyperactive and i'm overwhelmed by my understanding, anxious, calculating thoughts. the circumstances and reactions i pick up on before someone actually makes it happen or speaks out loud can sometimes scare me. in school, at work, in public i am somehow predicting not behaviors but more so opinions, perhaps, a conscious. up until recently i hadn't much accepted that i was strikingly accurate at predicting the rational of people i encountered, in a way i did notice that i had something, but i ignored it and told myself i was crazy.

i went on for awhile this way, with relationships, friendships. ignoring my innate abilites, telling myself when i had a huntch about something or someone that i was just over reacting, over analyzing. so in the last few years, i got hurt, a lot. i didn't handle it very well, i sunk into a bit of a hole while i lived in santa barbara and felt lost. something i now see as pretty normal after leaving school and changing your world. slowly, i began to find myself again. i pulled the pieces of my self back together and allowed myself to find happiness once more. beauty, it seems, cannot escape me, nor can i it.

americorps was ending and school in washington was soon to begin, i couldn't wait for fall so i jumped on a train and arrived in seattle for a summer job in june. while there i got myself back into my groove with the natural world, children, and my bed time stories. by the time september arrived i was ready to explore my city and plant new roots. i can still read people and it's still making me feel crazy, but i've come to use it to make better choices, to form different types of bonds with people, and to process information in a more efficient manner. there's no use in thinking yourself silly about anything or anyone, but learning from it is a completely different ball game.


these days, i realize that i have to accept myself for everything i am, including my thoughts, my heart, my passions, and even my awkward feet. these things are a part of me and there gonna be around my whole life - god forbid i lose my feet. i need those.


they say that knowledge is power and i'm starting to realize it's a super-power. so i might not be able to read anyone's thoughts, but i gots myself a degree in the social sciences studying people so if i couldn't read a face i wouldn't be doing my job. these symptoms of insanity aren't that at all, they instead may be the beginnings of growth, creativity, and awareness. coming to this internal equilibrium, however, isn't as easy as is written. my last paragraphs outlined 2 years, in which i was learning some very hard lessons about the application of my knowledge to my personal life, a world that exists along side reality in my opinion, rather than being a part of it. these lessons are not alone in situation and i know that they will be unceasing and ever more challenging. there are some tests in the near future i'm already prepared for, but know, at the same time, can never be prepared for. this is life; movement.

here i am.
and i'm
so glad you are.